Episode #20 When the Session is Tricky

Hi, this is Welcome to Self ™ Caring for the Human in the Therapist Chair, and I’m your host, Dr. Hayley D Quinn, fellow human, clinical psychologist, supervisor and trainer. Welcome to Self ™ is a place where you can come and learn ways to elevate your own care and compassion. A place to rest, be soothed, and at times maybe gently challenged to think about yourself and your practice. A place to remember that you are human first, choose the helping profession is just one of the roles in your life. My aim is that this is a place of soothing, comfort, nourishment, growth and nurture. A place where you can also welcome your self.

 

Hi and welcome to another episode. I’d like to take a moment of gratitude for Sue who left feedback. She said,

 

“These podcasts always gently remind me of important stuff – this one was a reminder to ask why this part of me has shown up and what does it need”.

 

Thanks Sue, really appreciate you taking the time to leave feedback and so glad you’re finding the episodes helpful.

 

Being a human being and working in a caring role with other human beings can at times be really tricky. As a helping professional, you have likely spent many years learning many many things and even after you finished your formal qualifications, you will have continued to learn through your continuing professional development. Hours upon hours of learning and incorporating new knowledge and skills into your practice.

 

So, you’re ready for anything now!

 

Well, not exactly. I mean, yes you are likely very well qualified, even if you are newly registered, don’t forget it took you years of learning to get that registration and the truth of it is, you work with human beings who may be extremely diverse and certainly have a multitude of different experiences. At any time in any one of your sessions, your client can tell you anything, absolutely anything, that you are not necessarily expecting. Some of those things might surprise or even shock you, some of the things they share might trigger some of your own experiences and some things you might never even have heard of before! So, please just take a moment to acknowledge that the work you do is challenging.

 

So, what do you do when a session perhaps goes astray, you feel out of your depth, that part of you that feels like an imposter shows up?

 

There are many things you can, I’m going to share with you what I find helps in the hope that this may be helpful for you.

 

First of all, you can focus on slowing down, allowing your nervous system to regulate and paying attention to how it is that you speak to yourself. Are you being self-critical? And if so, what impact is that having on how you’re then feeling?

 

Do you race off and start looking at what training you can do or what books you can buy? I know this is a big one for people because often we’ll get caught in our threat system and to try and soothe that we move into drive and that might look like you know booking onto a training, buying more books, going home and having a glass of wine, turning on Netflix. Which may feel helpful in the short term but let’s face it it doesn’t actually help us manage that anxiety in the long term.

 

So how can you do that differently? Maybe it’s being more compassionate to yourself in the way you speak about what just happened. Are you able to speak yourself with a kinder, warmer, more friendly tone?  Letting yourself know that actually you did your best in that moment. And yes, it might not have gone as you’d hoped but you did the best you could.

 

Maybe you froze and didn’t know what to do, well that’s your threat system at work and that’s not your fault. The more you can be aware of it the more likely it is that you’ll be able to take the time to slow down, get more grounded and be more able to think about what you’d like to do next, what might be helpful for you and for your client.

It’s also good to remind yourself that you’re not the only therapist that this has happened to. And it probably won’t be the last time it’ll happen to you either.

 

Remember that you can always go back to your client at the next session and tell them something like –  hey, I’ve been reflecting on our last session, and I don’t think I handled that particular thing particularly well.

 

Or I’ve been thinking about what happened in our last session, and I just want to apologise for the way I said x y z. How did you experience what happened? You can then explore this with your client and work towards repairing any rupture that might have occurred. It might also be the case that your client didn’t notice anything and your own tricky mind started to catastrophise what had happened.

 

At the end of the day, it’s okay to let our clients know that we make mistakes. We don’t have all the answers. That’s good for our client in letting them know that actually we’re human too and it’s okay for humans to make mistakes, it means they don’t have to be perfect either. And it’s okay for us because it takes the pressure off. There’s no way that you’re always going to get it right. There’s no way that you’re always going to have all the answers. So, acknowledging that for yourself means that you can actually be more accepting of what happens in session, particularly when things don’t go as you might have hoped.

 

Now I’m not saying don’t learn your frameworks well, I’m not saying don’t engage in your continuing professional development. But what I am saying is all the learning in the world isn’t going to stop you having difficult challenging sessions or saying the wrong thing or feeling like you didn’t provide enough for your client?

If when these happen you can offer yourself compassion, you can ground yourself, then you can access a calmer mind, and with a calmer mind you can’t make different choices, more helpful choices. You are more likely to seek out supervision instead of keeping it quiet due to shame that might be showing up. You are more likely to seek out relevant and helpful training to bridge a gap in your knowledge rather than just spend your money on more books and training because you’re feeling like a crappy therapist. You’re more likely to choose helpful choices for yourself rather than defaulting to some of your less helpful habits.

 

I invite you to join me in a brief guided meditation. You might like to incorporate this meditation or something similar into your workdays.

 

I invite you to sit comfortably in your chair with your feet flat on the floor, hands in your lap and perhaps rolling your shoulders up and back allowing a nice open diaphragm. Remembering to honour your body in a way that feels comfortable and only participating at the level that feels right for you. As you feel ready just gently allow your eyes to close or rest your gaze in front of you.

Just take a moment to settle in where you are. Notice the sensations of sitting where you are. The points of contact where your body touches where you are sitting, and your feet touch the floor.

Bring your attention to the sounds that are around you, just noticing. And then gently bringing your attention to your breath, noticing the in breath and the out breath. Following the breath as you breathe in, deep down into your belly and as you breathe out, emptying your lungs as best you can. Just knowing that when you’re breathing in, you’re breathing in and when you’re breathing out, you’re breathing out.

 

Now just slow the breathe a little bit more. Focusing on the rhythm and the pace of the breath. Smooth slow inhale and exhale. And as you slow down the breath, noticing how your mind and your body respond. You may start to feel a sense of heaviness as if the chair is holding you up. You may notice your mind slowing down. Or you may notice your mind wandering. Whatever your experience is just observe. Try not to bring judgment. As best you can, bring a sense of curiosity and just allow your experience to be whatever your experience is.

Notice, if you’re getting very caught up in your thinking. If this is happening, you may like to gently bring your attention back to your breath, focusing your attention gently on the in breath and the out breath. Or maybe a certain part of the breath. The air going into your nostrils, or the rise and fall of your belly and your chest, or the small pauses between the in breath and the out breath.

Just whatever feels right for you.

 

Start to imagine the day you have ahead. Perhaps you’ll be seeing clients. As you imagine this just tune in to your mind and your body. Notice what starts to show up.

See if you can just gently observe this. No need to make judgments or try to fix or solve anything right now. Just notice how it makes you feel.

 

Now as best you can, try and connect with the part of you that is wise, the part of you that wants the best for you, the part of you that wants to be helpful not harmful to yourself and others, the part of you that has the wisdom to know how to take care of yourself, the part of you that knows you may have a tendency to want to get things right or do a little bit too much or want to help everybody. The part of you that has the wisdom to know that if you do too much, you’re likely going to burn out.

You may want to put a hand over your heart. And again, just notice your breath, and if you need to, slow down your breathing. When you are connected to the wise, strong, kind, courageous part of you, I invite you to ask yourself. What do I need today?

What will be helpful for me today as I go about my day? What can I do that will allow me to do the things I need to do, as well as taking care of myself?

 

And then listen, as best you can, really listen to your wisdom. Remember, you mind may wander and that’s perfectly normal. You can choose to bring your attention back to your breath or back to the question.

Now gently bring your attention back to your breath. Notice how it feels to be sitting in the chair, bring your attention to the sounds around you. Start to bring some movement to your body perhaps wiggling your fingers or moving your toes.

Remember to hold in mind as you go through your day that you’re human first. Remember to go well and go gently with yourself. And as you feel ready you can open your eyes and bring your attention back to the room you are in.

 

Thank you to one of my listeners for suggesting the topic for this episode. I’m as human as all of you and sometimes, I find it hard to think about what topics to talk about, what you might find helpful. So please feel free to get in touch and let me know of other topics that you would like to hear about or if there are any guests that you’d really like to hear from on the podcast.

 

I hope you enjoyed the episode and the meditation and if you did there are other meditations available on my website, some specifically written for helping professionals and some for a general audience.

 

May you go well and go gently with yourself.

 

Thank you for sharing this time with me today. I hope your time here was helpful and supportive. If there has been something in this episode that you have found helpful, I invite you to share it with another person you think might benefit. I’d also love it if you’d like to leave a review wherever you tune in. Reviews really helped to increase awareness of podcasts, meaning I can spread helpful information more widely. All reviews are welcome and much appreciated. As I know they take time out of your day. If you’d like to be notified when the next episode airs, please use the link in the show notes to join my mailing list. Music and editing by Nyssa Ray. Thanks Nyssa. I wish you all well in your relationship with yourself. And may you go well and go gently.

 

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Disclaimer
This transcript may not be an exact representation of the audio