Episode #37 When You’re Part of the Problem and the Solution

This transcript is computer generated and may contain errors and not be an exact representation of the audio

 

Hi this is Welcome to Self® and I’m Dr Hayley D Quinn, fellow human, mother, wife, clinical psychologist, supervisor, trainer and coach.

 

Welcome to Self® is a place where you can come and learn about the practices that assist us as humans, realise that you’re not alone in the ways you struggle, and have your curiosity piqued on various topics as I chat to wonderful guests or bring you solo episodes. This is a place to remember that you are human first and have different roles in your life that need your attention and for that you need to take care of yourself in the best way you can. My aim is that this is a place of nourishment, growth and nurture. A place where you can welcome Your Self. 

 

Hi and welcome to another episode. I don’t have a guest with me today, it’s just you and me.  I hope you’ve been loving the recent guest interviews that I’ve released. I’ve had a great time interviewing amazing women who are all running businesses and making a beautiful difference in the world. You would have heard in those interviews and pretty much all the interviews I’ve done that none of this comes without its challenges.

 

Running a business and being a human with a tricky mind does have its challenges. We also need to consider our own social, emotional and intellectual learning histories and the experiences we’ve had across our lifetimes, the challenges we’ve had, the beliefs we’ve developed about ourselves, about others, and about how the world operates. I also think it’s important that we acknowledge that we may be part of any problem we are experiencing. Now stick with me, I’m not saying this so you can go and berate yourself, but I do want you to be honest with yourself about any part you might play in the business struggles you might be having. I also want you to know that you can be part of the solution as well.

 

Many times, when I speak to women business owners, I’ve asked them what is getting in the way of them developing the business they want and living the life that they want. A lot of them tell me that what is getting in the way is themselves and I know that’s been true for me as well. Does it resonate with you too!

 

So, what does that mean? Well, we can think about it in terms of sometimes we hold particular beliefs that aren’t very helpful and aren’t necessarily true either. Beliefs about things having to be harder than they perhaps are, beliefs around our own capabilities, beliefs around how much time we do or don’t have. We also must deal with the fact that as human beings, we don’t always feel motivated to do the things that we know would be helpful for us or that we need to get done in our business or in our home life. The thing is, we don’t have to be motivated, we must be willing. Motivation doesn’t come first. Motivation follows action that we take, and we must be willing to take the action. So, we can then feel motivated to keep going and doing the things we want to do. And sometimes motivation is never going to come, and we must be willing to do the thing, whatever that thing is for you, despite not feeling motivated to do it and that can be really hard.

 

Sometimes we’re going to need to reach out for support, so other people can help us get to that place of willingness. Sometimes we’re going to have to do draw on all our internal resources and encourage ourselves to do the thing, even though we may not want to.

 

I’m sure you can think of other reasons why sometimes, you are part of the problem and I’m certainly not saying everything’s your fault if things don’t go right or you don’t get things done. That’s certainly not the message I want you to take away from this.

 

I’m just saying we need to acknowledge that perhaps we’re PART of the problem. And yes, we also need to acknowledge that there are many other factors that can get in the way and make things more difficult.

 

But today, I want to talk about what it is we’re doing and what we can do to help ourselves. I think one of the important things is to start with acknowledging that there is a problem, whatever that might be. Whether that’s struggling to get your business idea off the ground, manage all the things you need to do in your business, blend your time in your business with time on your business and outside of your business, manage your time in a way that works best for you, or any other problem or challenge you might be facing.

 

Then you need to look at that and asking yourself, what about this can I control? What is actually within my sphere of influence? Because it’s not really helpful to spend a lot of time and energy focusing on the things that are completely outside of your control. By their very nature, there’s not a lot you can do about it. So, it’s important to really look and think about what is within my control in this problem, where can I put my energy that is actually going to do something that’s helpful? Where can I put my energy so I can move forward with this?

 

This is where you start to become part of the solution. You need to be self-reflective. Ask yourself – What is it that’s going on? What is it that I’m doing? Be really honest with yourself here. And what other factors are at play? And what in this can I control. This will lead you to self-awareness. You can become clearer on the things that need to be done. Clear on the things that are completely outside your control that you must do your best to accept and let go of, or maybe speak to someone else about how they can address that, if it’s something they have some control over. You’ll be more aware of the patterns of behaviour that you’re engaging in that might not be so helpful, as well as being more aware of what you do find helpful.

 

Another really important factor and a way that you can be part of the solution is to develop a compassionate mind. To start being more self-compassionate. To acknowledge for yourself that running a business is hard. Being a human with a tricky mind, navigating life, whilst running a business is hard. And looking at ways that you can engage with yourself in a way that is more helpful, more nurturing, less blaming and shaming. When we get caught up in blaming and shaming ourselves, we end up in our threat system. And when this happens, it’s really hard to get creative in our thinking, to be open minded, to come up with helpful solutions. We’re more likely to spiral down into self-criticism. We’re likely to be less willing to engage in things that we need to do, because chances are we’ll be more fearful of any risks we’re taking. And we’re more likely to end up just feeling really crappy about ourselves and about our business.

 

If you can offer yourself compassion, you can remind yourself that it’s hard. You can remind yourself that you’re doing the best that you can. And you can look for creative solutions on how you might move forward with the particular problem that you’re dealing with. You’re more likely to reach out to others because you’re not in this shaming and blaming mindset. When you’re not being self-critical, it’s going to be easier to reach out to other people to ask for the help that you need. You might even feel more deserving of the help that you need.

 

I can’t stress enough how important it is that we look after ourselves as women business owners. If we’re thriving, our businesses can thrive. If we’re taking care of ourselves, we can take care of the things that need taking care of in our business. If we’re feeling good about ourselves, we can feel good about the businesses that we’re creating and running and building. And this overflows into our general life, our relationships, our families.

 

What is something you can do to take care of yourself today? What is something you enjoy doing that you just haven’t made time for recently? Can you gift yourself some time and go and do that? Remember a You that is feeling rested, refreshed, more peaceful, calm, engaged and joyful, is far more likely to be willing to do the things that you need to get done. Far more likely to have the energy you’ve been missing, and far more likely to be on a path to Thriving.

 

If you’re a women business owner and you’re looking for some extra support, please reach out to see how we can work together. You’re also welcome to join my free Facebook group Welcome to Self® Compassionate Support for Women Business Owners, where you can meet other like-minded women and be supported and reminded that you are human first and your self-care matters. You can find the link in my show notes.

 

May your week be filled with many beautiful moments.

 

Go well and go gently with yourself and remember Thriving women create thriving businesses.

 

Thank you for sharing this time with me today, I hope your time here was helpful and supportive. If there has been something in this episode that you have found helpful, I invite you to share it with another person you think might benefit. I’d also love it if you would like to leave a review wherever you tune in. Reviews really help to increase awareness of podcasts, meaning I can spread helpful information more widely. All reviews are welcome and much appreciated as I know they take time out of your day. If you’d like to be notified when the next episode airs, please use the link in the show notes to join my mailing list. Music and editing by Nyssa Ray, thanks Nyssa. I wish you all well in your relationship with Your Self and may you go well and go gently.

 

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