How I found my passion in compassion and why it’s proved so helpful

I took somewhat of a windy road to get where I am today. I did not achieve well at school and left early. I certainly don’t look back fondly at that time in my life, and I don’t relate to the saying “Your school years are the best of your life” at all. They were not my best years, and I most certainly was not my best self, although I was the best self I could be at the time. I know that now.

I wish I had the level of self-compassion for myself back then as I do now. 

Whilst at school and after I left, I worked in various roles into my mid-20s, none of which brought me meaning or satisfaction but they did allow me to gain valuable skills that I now use in my own business and when coaching other business owners.

It’s true nothing is wasted!

At 25 I made a life changing decision to pack up and travel around Australia.

I wanted to give myself some time and space to try new things, move out of my comfort zone (not that life was feeling very comfortable at the time!) and figure out who I was and what was important to me.

I had a philosophy for myself whilst travelling, I reminded myself I could try something once and if I really didn’t like it, I didn’t have to do it again.

Now as I am older and wiser, I remind myself that sometimes I have to try things a number of times before I choose if I like it or not, depending on what it is of course. 

I arrived in Australia, on my own, with an extremely large backpack and extra bag of just in case items, I was going to be away for a year! I travelled across various parts of this amazing Country, met many different people, and really began the journey of meeting myself.

I ended up staying in Australia, with just a brief journey back home to cement my decision.

Moving to Australia wasn’t the magic answer I was perhaps hoping for, but it felt right.

There were some bumps and twists and challenging times, as with any human life.

After a few years of being here, I found myself in the role of solo Mum to my darling son, and I had some serious decisions to make. I chose to stay in Australia despite people telling me it would be easier to go back to the UK. To me that didn’t seem like an easier decision, Australia was now my home and I had made connections here that were meaningful to me.

I chose to go back to study. I had tried doing a degree before my son was born but didn’t manage to stay on that path.

This time, I managed to complete my Bachelor of Psychology with Honours and something I had never ever considered, I completed a PhD in Clinical Psychology. I sometimes still can’t believe that one! Did I mention I dropped out of school before my O levels? (equivalent Grade 10 here in Australia).

Let’s fast forward a few years, to a time when I really started to notice my health was suffering.

I had thought I was doing a pretty good job of taking care of myself. I was engaging in “self care”,

I was eating regularly and pretty nutritious food, I wasn’t staying up late and I was making sure I gave myself plenty of sleep opportunity. I planned my days and weeks so I could stay on top of things and not get too overwhelmed. I was engaging in social relationships, most of them healthy and meaningful.

Now I’m not dismissing the values of these things, they are probably what helped me keep going as long as I did. The thing is, I probably would have benefited from not keeping going as I was for so long.

The self care I really needed was deeper and more courageous than the things I was doing.

Trouble is, I wasn’t very compassionate to myself back then, in fact my self critic was my main companion and at times she was brutal.

It took many years, as it often does (particularly for women!), to diagnose a chronic health condition and during this time, my self critic was having a great old time.

I on the other hand was not.

Many things in my life were going beautifully, my darling son was growing into a beautiful adult, I had met and married a kind and caring man and I was surrounded by people who I loved and loved me in return.

Depression, anxiety and burnout don’t care about that, not one little bit and my self critic knew it could speak louder than any of those people in my life.

Let’s face it, it was with me constantly, and closer than anyone else could be.

Right Inside My Mind!

I had to find a way to relate to myself, my work and my life with chronic illness differently.

I had to start to really utilise the skills and strategies I had learned in my training as a clinical psychologist. I needed to take everything I had learned about compassion and really embody what it meant.

Once I really experienced it for myself and embodied it in my everyday life, I understood that the process of self care is a much deeper one than I had previously thought.

When I truly connected to myself and was willing to offer compassion to all the parts of me, even the parts of me I had denied, ignored, and pushed away, then I was able to take care of the whole of myself in a meaningful and helpful way.

I could take care of myself with grace, kindness, and compassion.

I was more forgiving of myself for the mistakes I had made. I was kinder to myself when I was struggling to get things done due to my health and I spoke to myself in a more supportive and caring way.

I was able to make choices about my business that worked for me, and ultimately were better for my clients.

I was able to prioritise my well-being in my decision making and go on to re-establish a successful business and better health. 

In my work, it has been so helpful for both me and my clients, that I am able to track myself and my own nervous system. I can tune in with compassion to how I am feeling and make in the moment decisions about what are my own stressors and fears and what is helpful to share with my clients. I have reminders in my office that help me stay tuned in, because at the end of the day, I am just a human being and remembering to do the things that are helpful is not always easy right! 

Now that I connect with my compassionate self during my coaching work, I can recognise when my threat system is activated and trying to push me into my drive system, and I can make a choice about how I want to proceed.

I can be more present to myself which in turn allows me to be more present with my clients so I can provide the service I want to provide and take care of myself in that process. 

Connecting with my compassionate self allows me to access wisdom when I am making business decisions. It helps me make helpful and intentional decisions rather than decisions coming from a place of threat, scarcity, or not enoughness. 

In taking care of myself like this at work, I now have more time, space and energy to focus on the other aspects of my life.

I can now enjoy a wider range of experiences with myself and the people in my life and I do this knowing I am creating a meaningful and sustainable life for myself.

My younger self is so happy she stuck around to watch all this, and we giggle at times about the journey we have been on. You really don’t know what life has to offer you and what you are capable of.

If you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and uncertain about your business, your direction or how to create a business that allows life to feel more engaged and meaningful for you, I would highly recommend starting by making some time for yourself to turn inwards and start the process of meeting yourself with compassion.

I love working from a compassionate framework, I really enjoy teaching others how to change their relationship with themselves and their business, through embodying compassion.

I truly believe that by incorporating compassion practices into our daily lives and our work we can increase our capacity for caring, courage and wisdom.

This can allow us to build sustainable businesses and build lives that feel meaningful and values aligned.

If you’re a woman business owner/entrepreneur and would like to know more about how working with me could help you in this process, please reach out, I’d love to hear from you.

In the meantime, go well and go gently with yourself and remember if you thrive your business will too!

I would like to acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people as the Traditional Owners of the land on which I live, and pay my deepest respect to elders, past and present. 

Dr Hayley D Quinn
The Anti-Burnout Business Coach | Speaker | Podcast Host | former Clinical Psychologist