Episode #36 Navigating Co-Parenting with Tiffany Rochester
This transcript is computer generated and may contain errors and not be an exact representation of the audio
Hi this is Welcome to Self® and I’m Dr Hayley D Quinn, fellow human, mother, wife, clinical psychologist, supervisor, trainer and coach.
Welcome to Self® is a place where you can come and learn about the practices that assist us as humans, realise that you’re not alone in the ways you struggle, and have your curiosity piqued on various topics as I chat to wonderful guests or bring you solo episodes. This is a place to remember that you are human first and have different roles in your life that need your attention and for that you need to take care of yourself in the best way you can. My aim is that this is a place of nourishment, growth and nurture. A place where you can welcome Your Self.
Hi, and welcome to another episode. I’ve been excited to bring you some more great guests this season. And my next guest is no exception. She is a warm, kind, compassionate, and very wise woman who I’m honoured to call not just my colleague, but my friend. I first met my next guest at an ANZ ACBS conference in Canberra, and attended a workshop for women that she was co-hosting. I was extremely resistant to attending this particular workshop due to some of my own history, but I knew that’s what I needed to do and believe me, I’m so thrilled that I did. I learned about myself, my connection with other women, and I’m happy to say the seeds of a beautiful friendship were planted. I’m thrilled to introduce to you Tiffany Rochester. Tiff is fierce about nurturing families and supporting parents so that children can grow up slowly in the warmth and safety of both parents. She has a long history of supporting families through complex situations, including working with families of juvenile offenders, families raising neurodivergent, sexual and gender minorities, and families post separation fostering one family across two homes. She is the founding CEO of Co-Parenting Companion, a business which provides coaching support to separated co-parents with a focus on helping parents establish healthy boundaries and clear communication to find collaborative solutions. Tiff is an experienced clinical psychologist and the past president of ANZ ACBS and for any of you who have heard Tiff speak before, you already know how passionate and inspiring she is. It is my great pleasure to have her join me on the podcast. I hope you love this episode, as much as I loved chatting with her.
Hi, Tiff It’s an absolute pleasure. I’m really excited about having you on the podcast. So thank you so much for agreeing to come on.
Tiffany Rochester 3:23
Thank you, Hayley. I’m really excited to be here too have been really looking forward to it.
Hayley Quinn 3:27
That’s fantastic. So perhaps could you start by telling us a little bit about yourself? And what it was that actually attracted you into the helping professions?
Tiffany Rochester 3:34
Yeah, so who I am today is I’m a clinical psychologist, and I also work in the coaching space. I’m a mum to two gorgeous kids and I am a great lover of karaoke. In terms of how I got to here into the helping profession. That story goes back to when I was 13 years old. And yeah, I knew then that I wanted to be a psychologist. So I’m one of those weird freaks about being clear early. And whilst the topography of how I do my career has changed over the years. One of the things I find interesting in reflecting on that is that my core mission has never changed. I you know, had this sense then that the teen years are rough and indeed you know, mine well as many peoples are and I wanted to go back and serve teens and that the only part of that that’s that shifted is a build out into teens and children.
Hayley Quinn 4:53
Okay, fantastic. And you’ve recently made some changes in your business and released a new service called Co-Parenting Companion. Can you tell us a bit more about this? What was it that led you to this? And where do you see yourself heading with this new direction?
Tiffany Rochester 5:08
Yes, I’m very excited to talk about it. So there’s kind of a long story and a short story to Co-Parenting Companion. And I’m not good at telling the short story. So I will try the slightly longer version. So I have always, as I mentioned, had this calling this drive to serve teens, and children. And in the start of my career, I was working with the families of repeat juvenile offenders. And that was a fantastic grounding space. For me the best developmental space, I think, for an early clinician, because it changed me in straightaway to how important it is to work with a family, and to work with contexts that if I’m serious about shaping the lives of teenagers and children, I have to be working with the caregivers, because they have greater agents of change in that context. And that, that shift to seeing context, I kind of think it’s a bit like when you, you know, gonna say when you learn to see those 3d images, but I actually don’t have any depth perception. And so I actually can never see those 3d images. But once you see, say, context, you can go back to seeing the individual. And that’s really shaped everything from there. And then as I’ve gone through various ways of serving families. Around 10 years ago, I started working with separated families. And the way that those kind of fell into my practice was through court referrals. And these were people who had been locked in the family court system, sometimes for, you know, seven to 10 years at the outside. And the state of those family systems was just heartbreaking, because there’s been hundreds and 1000s of dollars in litigation. That alone is just awful. Outside of that was the enormous amounts of stress and tension, and conflict that had marked all of those years. And so I would get these referrals for these families. And it felt like we were the, you know, the last ditch effort once, once the courts had kind of thrown their hands in the air and said, We have no idea what to do with these families, then it occurred to them that maybe they’re calling a therapist. And it’s kind of like it’s too late. Like court should not be the first option for families. Thankfully, there are many people agitating for change. And so in the time that I was working in that space, I noticed that their referrals would start to come in earlier in the piece and that, yes, part of the dispute resolution process, families would still be referred in for therapy at an earlier point. But even so it still felt to late in the piece, people had had to go through too much. And the volume of work, therefore, for them and for the therapist is enormous. The truth of it is that I in working in that space with a number of families that I was carrying, I hit burnout. And and I had to figure out what to do with that, because I had this such a desire to really resolve and support these families. But I had to do it in a way that was also serving for me. And I wanted to get in earlier. Sorry, I did tell you it was a long backstory.
Hayley Quinn 9:17
That’s totally, totally fine. I think it’s fascinating. And I think, you know, it’s really challenging work as well as now I’m glad you bring up this point about burnout and having to do this in a way that suits you. Because, you know, therapy work is challenging work anyway. And then the work you were doing when people are embroiled in this legal system and conflict is really tricky. And of course that’s going to take its toll on you. So please feel free to expand your story. It’s great.
Tiffany Rochester 9:46
Thanks so much, Hayley. So yes, within the head, I had to really look at knowing that I love working with systems. And I find there’s something really quite humbling and sacred, about being permitted into that space with families. I just wanted to get in there earlier and work more that prevention right at the starting points of separation. Because I know that if we start there there is with so many of the parents that I was working with in those later stages, they had the most beautiful intentions for their children. They wanted to have a collaborative relationship with their co-parent, or at least they had in a previous version of themselves. And they definitely wanted to do what was best for their children. And so when we get in earlier in the piece before that, that huge history of trauma and conflict and financial ruin, has come into the next, then there’s so much more space to look at, how do we set up separation for success, so that people can move apart into the lives that they need to be building for themselves in a way that is really healthy for themselves and healthy for their children. And so Co-Parenting Companion then sits in that coaching space, not a therapy, because we’re not working in that mental health space, but rather looking at really practical pragmatic strategies to get that system working so that we can have one family across two homes and the children can thrive and the parents can spend all of their lovely money on their children and themselves and their holidays, and, and enjoy. Enjoy the new pathways.
Hayley Quinn 11:46
Oh my gosh, Tiff. It’s just such fantastic work. And so needed, I think it’s just beautiful what you’re doing. Now, given the statistics on relationship, separation, and divorce, and given that helping professionals are humans, who are not immune to life challenges, I imagine they’re likely many listeners who are navigating co-parenting themselves, whilst also managing the challenging client work that they do. This can be really tough work on a good day, like I said before, like what we do is hard work. And even more, so when we’re facing personal challenges. What do you tend to see as the most common themes or challenges that people face? And how might that be amplified for our helping professionals?
Tiffany Rochester 12:33
So I think one of the, one of the one, many, gosh, there’s so many challenges in this space, I think a lot of that is the level of distress at the same time as trying to hold everything together. So there’s, you know, that sense of, in the intermediate term, this life that we thought we were living is falling apart, or it has to change in a very, very major way. And so, not only, not only is the person trying to kind of manage their way through that transition, but trying to make sense of what are the finances going to look like? How do I make space in my heart for my child to have some nights at a home that is not mine? And stepping through? What what is? What is right in that? What, how is how do we get that balance so that the child’s needs are met? And what is that supposed to look like? And how often do we do hand overs? And who’s going to live where and what’s this going to mean for the children’s schooling but oh my gosh, I have to keep working because now the financial situation has changed. Everything’s on the line. I see so much for these families in the early stages, they’re really wrestling with wanting to do the right thing, but either not knowing what it is or are having some quite understandably distorted views about what that is because unfortunately is as you would know, when we when we look at what exists in, in our television shows and in our movies, in our books, in the places where we get our narratives about how to do life there are not good models of how to separate and co-parent well. Like I get so excited when I when I see tiny examples of them on shows as I share them with my members to go like like this. This is a good example because they’re few and far between so then if we bring that back to our helping professionals, I think it adds in such a so many layers of complexity there. I think years ago when I worked in the peri-natal one of the things that really sat with me was how much paediatric nurses and school teachers were at higher risk of perinatal anxiety and depression. And some of the thinking around that was because in their professional lives, that was their jam. And so that felt out of place. And then the same, obviously applies to, to us, as therapists is, is making sense of, who am I, in the context of a relationship that separating? What does this say about me, in my personal life, and in my professional life, I think we’re not always we’re often not good at extending to ourselves the same grace and compassion to be human, and to not have all the answers as we do to other people. And we know statistically and if I could keep numbers in my head, I would tell you, but maybe he knows them. Statistically, helping professionals are less likely to get help, when we need it is that there can often be a shame factor there. And this idea that somehow we should know as opposed to do along, along with how do you find somebody that you trust that isn’t already a friend or someone you’re going to sit next to at every PD event?
Hayley Quinn 16:27
Absolutely. So many complexities, isn’t it? And that sense, I think you’ve raised really good points around. I’m a therapist, I should know how to manage this. And perhaps it is a barrier to them reaching out and finding help, you know, these things become opportunities for the self critic to jump in.
Tiffany Rochester 16:50
Absolutely. So much. So. Yeah, that that shame space and that judgement space.
Hayley Quinn 16:58
Yeah, absolutely. But keep keep going with what you’re saying. I kind of jumped in on you there.
Tiffany Rochester 17:03
I knew I was just thinking about that, um, that tension of? Yeah, I think we all experienced that at the start of the pandemic, when all of a sudden, every client that came in to see us was dealing with the same crisis that we were having ourselves. And I remember that kind of that sense of, like, What are you even is this that I have to get myself ready, I, you know, I have to figure out what I’m doing around my decision making every day. And then and then show up for, for my clients to have space for them to process that. And so I think, within that, that pressure of, you know, can I take time off work? Can I honour the process that I need at the same time as I’m feeling pressure to earn money? very legitimate need, right? Absolutely. And, and then yet to be able to look at how do I? How do I hold the space for the people that I serve? Whilst my own life is going through so much turmoil? Disruption is so tricky, isn’t it a you imagine that you’re going through a separation, you’re trying to navigate this, and then the next client that walks in the door, sits down and tells you that their relationship has just broken up, and they don’t know how they’re going to manage the children. Now, you can’t help but relate to that. I mean, that’s exactly what you’re going through in your own life. And I think this is where, if you can’t take time out when these things, whether it is that or a different type of challenge. If you can’t take the time out and have some time away from work, making sure that you’ve got some support, can then help you navigate that in between times, you know, can help you feel more resourced, as you have to sit with your clients.
Hayley Quinn 18:12
Yeah. Because like you say, for some people, taking time off work is not an option. So we’ll have to keep working, or it might even be I actually have to work more now. So I think that sort of resourcing is so so important. And like you say complex, because it can be tricky, because oftentimes the people that you respect as other helping professionals are people who you know, and you can’t go to see them. So it can be it can be difficult. It can be difficult, but not impossible. Not impossible.
Tiffany Rochester 19:30
No, that’s right. And I look and I just want to throw in there as well. Because of that huge financial stress that sits there so hard and fast and early is, is one of the things I’d really want to encourage people in that very early stage is get some really good financial advice, meet with your accountant as soon as possible and meet with a financial advisor and if you don’t have those people in your life, the Collaborative Professionals Network, which they have their website, I think it’s collaborativeprofessionals.com.au that you can look for people who are financial neutral. So they are trained in collaborative practice trained in helping people separate well and fairly in a collaborative manner outside of court. And they can very quickly give that information about what financial arrangement can you reasonably predict is going to happen as you move through the settlement? What are some good transition arrangements on your way there. And from that financial planning perspective, looking at how you can move your money to support yourself, because maybe some of that sense of I can’t afford this, and I have to work more. Maybe some of that’s a story. And maybe the people that have the expertise in that area can throw you some lifelines, you don’t know where they’re off to.
Hayley Quinn 20:58
Thank you. That’s fantastic. And I wonder when we put stuff of your links in the show notes, if we might add that as well. Because what a fantastic resource that that might be for people listening. Because those are the things I think people don’t necessarily think about. You think about it, we’re in our threat system when we’re under challenges like this and we know when we’re in our threat system, we don’t think clearly. So, you know, being made aware of things like this is fantastic. So thanks for sharing that. So I’m also wondering, like, how can working with someone like yourself, assist people when they’re managing a situation such as co-parenting? And this is a bit of a different? Sorry, a bit of a two-part question. And also, can you offer our listeners, any kind of tips in terms of how they could help themselves here? As well as that wonderful financial one?
Tiffany Rochester 22:01
collaborativeprofessionals.com.au, I think, isn’t it a great name collaborative professionals, I could just sums up the whole the whole way that I would want people to be able to step through a separation. which now means I’ve lost track of the question it was around how how can working?
Hayley Quinn 22:15
How can working with someone like you assist people when they’re managing a situation like this? And are there any little tips you could just share today?
Tiffany Rochester 22:26
Yes, so I think one of the biggest helps is having a neutral in the space. And that can be a neutral, whether in my role, I can either work just with one co-parent who is desiring to be collaborative, or there is the option for me to work with both co-parents together, it is a requirement that both of them do want to work collaboratively and are interested in reflecting on their own behaviours, and how they can change what they are doing to make that system work well. So then, in terms of what that neutral role provides, is, when families separate there, there’s no part of their system that is untouched by that and, and that probably one of the things that I would hear the most is this permeates every part of their lives. And so then the friends that they go to, for advice and support the family members, they, they all have opinions. And those opinions aren’t always the ones that are going to be most useful for the for the new family system. You know, we often watch families and friends, you know, kind of, kind of particularly close in around that, you know, they feel that they feel that sense of, you know, pick a side. And, and they can close ranks. And so that’s what the phrase I was looking for. And so, you know, I hear those conversations often, either when I’m out socially, or I hear them from the people that I serve around, some really bad advice that gets shared. So one of the things that can be so useful is to be able to bounce those ideas, to be able to say, look, you know, prepared to be able to turn up and say, I’m really concerned about how my kid is going, I don’t know. They’re really closely connected to me. They’ve never had nights away from me, I’m their primary carer, so I think they should have these many nights with me and maybe only those many nights with my co-parent and straightaway, we’re able to bounce with what does the data tell us is developmentally appropriate and useful? What do we know about how to facilitate a beautiful relationship with both parents, so shortcutting a whole heap of that massive amount of, you know, kind of lit reviews. I would, I would hope, for so many of these families that this is the only time that they have to do this. And we know for some families, they might have to do it a couple of times. But in my role, I sit with a data set of hundreds of families, and not just the hundreds of families I’ve served. But also, you know, that that’s part of my job is to stay on top of the literature to stay on top of what is developmentally appropriate and sound, so that we can step through, what are the decisions that are going to safeguard the development of the children, we know that around 80% of kids are going to be just fine, they’re going to be completely indistinguishable from kids that grow up in intact families. We can help families get there faster by looking at the data that as it applies to their family.
Hayley Quinn 26:04
So taking that kind of emotion and a particular agenda out that that family members or friends may have. And coming to them with the facts and being supportive. In that way. When you were talking before a couple of things, I think raises the stuff as well around when you’re saying about, you know, friends kind of have this thing about picking a side. And I think it’s acknowledging, isn’t it that there’s more than just the loss of a relationship or marriage? There, it does trickle out into so many areas. So there’s so much to be dealing with. But you also mentioned at the beginning, that you’re you can work with somebody individually that would like to collaborate collaboratively co parents, or you can work with two people who are willing to do that. So I suppose that raises, that not everybody has a co-parent that is willing to collaborate? Or is safe to do that with? So can you speak a little bit to the work, you would also work with an individual? How in what way would you do that if the other person isn’t going to be collaborative?
Tiffany Rochester 27:22
Yeah. So thankfully, there is there is so much that can still be done in that setting. One of the things that I think is crucial is that often when we’re looking at somebody who desires to be collaborative, who’s co-parenting, and someone who, who’s context has led them to be more of a high conflict or difficult to collaborate with the person is knowing that if a child has an authoritative, spiritual, authoritative relationship with one parent, if they have a safe connection, where they can freely express themselves and feel loved, and have boundaries held in a in a firm and caring way, if one parent is able to provide that space, the data tells us that child is going to be okay. That is that is enough to protect the child so, so even just from a starting point with a parent who desires to be collaborative to take the pressure off, that if the other parent is messing up a huge amount in what they’re doing, and that sits outside of the collaborative parents power to change, that if they just focus on what they are doing in their time with the children, that’s going to be enough. And then there’s more. So there’s there’s a lot that we can do around look working in two spaces. I’m going to go with two for now. But my brain often comes up with many more along the way. One of those is really working hard on looking at, how would you co parent well, with a with a parent you’ve got rather than the one you wish you had? Yeah, and so that, can I because there can be so much if it’s not fair. And I shouldn’t have to, and they should. And, and all of that is correct often, but none of that changes anything. And so instead, what we want to look at is given that this is who you’ve got, what do you know about how to bring out the best in them? What do you know about how to shape your requests to make it more likely that you can get them to a yes. And that’s not about a fawn response or an acquiescing response, you know, looking at how do you have the firm boundaries that you want to hold? But, but within that, looking at, how do you stay aligned to your values, who you care to be in the context that you’re dealing with? And so often that opens up a whole heap of possibilities about different ways of coming in indicating that to this difficult person, and that alone can create some shifts. And then the other piece in there is around developing those self care boundaries. How do how do we structure your day and your week and your year, so that there are these compartments where you interact with your co parent. But the rest of your life is not his is not tarnish tainted with it, it doesn’t flavour every other part of your life. So how do we put in boundaries that you get to have regardless of whether or not your co parent wants you to have them? And how do how do we develop skills for managing your own distress your own fight flight when that’s triggered, so that you can move your way back to being the person that you want to be with your children, with your colleagues, with your new partner, if there is one, with your friendship group. So your life is defined by how you want to be living it, and not the hell that your co parent might want to have you in?
Hayley Quinn 31:06
Yeah, gosh, it’s such it’s just such beautiful work, and much needed work that you’re doing. So thank you. Where were you when I was needing you? But I think it was fantastic the work you’re doing. So if you have diversity within your practice, you’re still seeing clinical clients as well. You’re still doing some therapy work and coaching.
Tiffany Rochester 31:33
I carry a small clinical caseload Yes.
Hayley Quinn 31:36
Yeah. So you’ve got the diversity, which I know for many people can be really helpful, I certainly find it helpful for myself. Well, what have you found most challenging about diversifying, and changing the focus of your work? Because I think a lot of people who are in the helping professions get a bit scared of making change? And or kind of question these things. So what have you actually found the most challenging about it?
Tiffany Rochester 32:05
Yes, I think, I think part of it is around, you know, professional identity, and, and who you see yourself as and so, for me, part of it was looking at the way that I really wanted to serve co parents didn’t fit beautifully within our psychology model. And excuse me, as I shared with you, I had wanted to do that since 13. So the identity of being a psychologist is one that is woven deep in my history. So part of the challenge was looking at, what does it mean? If I’m doing coaching, what what is, what is it to be a coach and kind of shifting that perspective. And I think, for me, like I, I do love, I do love diversity, I do love, you know, working with a whole range of different people and way of beings. And yet for me, one of my challenges and an important process to go through was actually looking at how to how to be clear about who it is that I really care to serve. And as I asked myself that question more there were, there were two kind of two areas that really stood out to me. And one is obviously this co parenting space. And the other is I have a deep love and joy in serving neurodivergent children, teens and adults. And I found that I, I just I didn’t want to give that up. And then if I look at those, for me, I look at thankfully there, there are more and more and more neurodivergent affirming therapists coming out and stepping up and advocating in this space and working well in this space. So when I looked at my balance of skills and energy, I knew that I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to leave that work. I really quite love it. But I could make a choice for that to be a smaller part of what I do. Because the the unserviced population is separated co parents and that’s not where we get a lot of early intervention support.
Hayley Quinn 34:42
Fantastic. So given all the different roles that you have, both in your work and your personal life, you are as human as the next person. How do you take care of yourself? You know, you mentioned self care when you’re working with a client you know, separated parent but how do you take care of yourself?
Tiffany Rochester 35:03
Yes you know with varying degrees of success if you spoke to my partner
Hayley Quinn 35:11
We could all say that
Tiffany Rochester 35:16
Look, there are practices in in current Tiff’s life that were definitely not there in past Tiff’s life and and I’m so I’m so grateful to the to the previous versions of me that have built those in so one of the things that my body taught me i i live with a chronic pain condition and whilst there are parts of that that completely suck and I would never recommend it for anybody. I feel like my body’s saying you know Tiff, self care is not negotiable. prioritising prioritising your self care is not negotiable. So, for me, my day has to start with yoga. And I am aware that not being a morning person if I scheduled an early morning with someone scheduled in because of somebody else’s timezone. That that yoga is probably the first thing that slips but but that early morning yoga to start that, you know, putting that first before I wake the children before I get on with the school lunches is this essential part. I mentioned at the start, that I have a great love of karaoke. And I think everyone who knows me knows this because it kind of leaks out of every, every part of me. And so, within that, I know that I love to sing. So if I’m having a hard day, sometimes it is just I just need to put on some music and sing my heart out. And I love karaoke nights and a karaoke night might be just our little family, which is great because it means that the mic comes to me one in four or, or having friends around, and there’s something so energising and I I love I love singing with others, I love watching my friends and my loved ones find their voice in music and find their confidence to I mean, singing is so woven into the fabric of, of who we are and how we communicate as humans.
Hayley Quinn 37:29
Oh, gosh, Tiff you talking about this is taking me back to when we met in Canberra, and your passion for singing now I love to sing. I cannot sing well, I used to say I can’t sing but everyone can sing. I just can’t say well, but your passion was so infectious that you had me up on stage in Canberra singing in public?
Tiffany Rochester 37:55
Yes. Oh my gosh. And that song. I mean, that. That was That was incredible. And that song every time I hear it, it makes me cry. Thinking about all of us up there, and and allowing our voices to be heard.
Hayley Quinn 38:17
I can see the emotion coming for you now as you’re talking
Tiffany Rochester 38:20
Yeah
Hayley Quinn 38:23
no, that was very beautiful. It was. It was it was fun. That was a fun conference. That was? Absolutely. So those are ways you take care of yourself. I wonder if like if you had a separated co parent that happened to be a psychologist that came to you? What might you say to them in terms of what would be helpful for them? When they’re sitting in their therapy chair? They’ve got all this going on and that they’re having to work with clients. Is there anything you’d kind of say to them, that could be helpful for them to hold in mind or to practice or?
Tiffany Rochester 39:09
I’m laughing because I’m thinking about that part we talked about earlier where where we can be so reticent to seek help for ourselves And and I think really what I would want to say is, in addition to that, you know, the very practical coaching skills of how to get yourself through the co parenting experience is if you haven’t gifted yourself a therapist yet. My goodness, maybe now is the time because chances are, you know a huge amount about how to ground your client. And you know a huge amount about how to help your client find self compassion. You’re probably great at leading a mindfulness script. But there is something so own nourishing in being led. And having somebody else step you through. And we might have so much of the head knowledge and we do but but spending time with somebody else to help you connect it through to your heart knowledge to not ask so much of your self. I think that that, I mean, in a very practical if you’re sitting there with a client, I think I think, you know, looking at what have been practices that have served you well in the past, for grounding yourself, connect yourself bringing yourself present in the room, that you recognise that the first two years after separation. And it is is two years is how long we expect things to go kind of offline and then a bit haywire for, that’s how big a shift it is. So, so gift yourself some support that is just for you early, early, because you’re really, really worth it. And if you don’t think you’re worth it, your clients are and your clients will do better if you serve yourself first.
Hayley Quinn 41:12
Yeah, absolutely. I truly believe that. You know, I think it’s really, really good that you say that, that there’s this expectation of two years for things to transition. Because I think in many domains, people are very quick to be like, you know, it’s been a few months, I should be over this by now. Or it’s been a few months, I should know how to do all this by now. And I think when we can take this kind of bigger perspective of actually, this is going to be a couple of years of your life transitioning into a new identity. Yes, a new way of being a new way of, you know, working within your family and with your ex partner. So thanks for sharing that. I think those are the things sometimes that people will hear and go, Oh, it’s only been six months for me. Of course, I’m still feeling you know, this is where I should be right now in this turmoil.
Tiffany Rochester 42:10
Yes. It turns out I’m at exactly at the developmental stage I’m supposed to be getting.
Hayley Quinn 42:17
I think that’s really valuable. Because we don’t talk about those things, do we? And in lots of different areas, we don’t talk about it. It’s almost like, Okay, well, everyone else knows that that happened for you, they’re all moving on with their life, how come you’re still dealing with this, it’s like, because that is what you’re dealing with? That is the life that you have.
Tiffany Rochester 42:35
That’s right. And I think also the pressure is often, you know, and looking at how the children are going, because there’s so much anxiety for parents around whether the kids are going okay. And so often, you know, there’s kind of even in separation is that there’s a honeymoon period, where the children are, you know, they’re doing okay, with the arrangement, or whatever it is of moving between two homes. And so, so parents can go into this kind of false sense of like, well, what would it look, look, look, we’ve done it, and then, and then that honeymoon period is done with the kids like, oh, oh, but this is our actual life now, and we’ll see, you know, we’ll see a spike in, in their distress and their behaviours. And so to know that, well, that’s just normal. You know, that doesn’t mean, that doesn’t mean you suddenly have to change the way that you’re doing shared care, your transition days, or hell transition, those are health, it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean that you are doing the wrong shared care, or that your children aren’t okay, with the arrangement that you’ve got, it just probably means that your early days and you’re still learning as a system, all of the skills, the new skills that you need for that system to thrive.
Hayley Quinn 43:49
Yeah, again, such a helpful thing I think, for people to hear. It’s hell not because you’re doing it wrong. But because that’s how it is at the start. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. I just, you know, I just think about the work you do with these co parents, allows them to parent differently, perhaps more effectively, perhaps in a calmer way. Not always, of course, nobody’s perfect. Let’s just put that out there. But then perhaps the trajectory for those children in terms of their well being and mental health is a different one.
Tiffany Rochester 44:35
You know, that’s what I love so much in this space is, you know, we’re changing. We’re changing the trajectory for these kids. And we’re changing the trajectories for these adults. You know, it’s often that the problems, the conflicts that were involved in the relationship ending, you know, that they’re often things that that formed in childhood before the relationship even happen and, and, you know, it comes back to what was modelled from parents and parents from grandparents like I look at this and this is this is shifting generational patterns. And you know I am, I am someone who is fascinated by the kind of the epigenetic kind of impacts of, of shifting how we communicate and how we relate, you know, to the generation above us and the generation below us and I, I just get so excited about, about these parents being able to have a different relationship with their children, and then going forward their adult children compared to what was available for them with their own parents. And then also looking at what might, what might change as they learn as they learn these new processes in this new family system, what also might change, even going back to their parents, if their parents is still here, I’m sorry, I’ve just gone off on a tangent stuff that gets me really excited.
Hayley Quinn 46:07
No, it’s absolutely fine. I was just, you know, your passion and all the things you do. But that’s what I know of you. You’re a very passionate woman. And I think it’s fantastic. And your passion and your work means you are going to impact so many lives and make such a difference in this space. And it’s such an important space, because, you know, reaching things that help children helps adults, right. I think the work you’re doing, it’s absolutely beautiful. So now I have more of a question for you. And I asked this to everybody. And this is my favourite question I asked on the podcast. If you could meet your eighty-year old self. What do you think she would say to you? After you’ve done karaoke together, of course.
Tiffany Rochester 47:04
Yeah, that would be so fun. Actually.
Hayley Quinn 47:08
Here’s an additional question. What is the karaoke song that you would sing with your 80 year old self first? And then what would she say to you?
Tiffany Rochester 47:15
Oh, good. No, that’s not fair. Hayley. Together? Ah, oh, no, I don’t know. It would be. It would be a showtune. It would be something from Broadway. But no, I’m now going to reflect on that question. And and when I figure it out, I’ll pop it up on socials. But I think, yeah, I was thinking about this, because I know you asked this question. And so I spent some time kind of picturing what she might have to say to me, and it was really interesting, because what I heard her say is, you’ve got time, and it’s okay to slow down. And, yeah.
Hayley Quinn 48:16
I love that. I think most people that have heard me speak about anything. Know that I love that sort of thing of slow down, slow down, tune in. Yeah, that’s lovely. So if people want to find out more about you, or get in touch, where can they find you and engage with you and your work? You mentioned socials, and you have a fantastic Instagram, where you put up some really great videos actually. Even though I’m not co parenting and have an adult child at this point. You put up some great videos for people around how to navigate some of the situations or conversations. So I’d strongly suggest people do follow you on Instagram. You’re probably on Facebook as well. But I tend to hang out on Instagram a lot more.
Tiffany Rochester 49:09
Yes, we often have our favourite go to don’t we. And, and I really appreciate your feedback on those videos. Because it was certainly one of the blocks that I had to get over is that if I, if I’m serious about working in this space, I have to let people know that I’m there and I want to make it so easy for people to know whether I’m the right fit for them. And, and so, so I had to get over myself ,get out of my own way to start putting those videos up there. So those, say on Insta, I’m @coparenting companion and and very helpfully on Facebook also @coparenting companion. and my website is coparentingcompanion.au
Hayley Quinn 49:56
Fantastic. Fantastic. Yeah, I think you know we have these things that this is the work I do. And this is what I’d like to offer to the world. And this is, you know, the area I want to work in, and then we sit in our office, and don’t tell anyone which probably isn’t very helpful. So I think that’s great that you overcame that I know, for me kind of doing more videos and stuff was, was a process to get through, but it’s all doable, right?
Tiffany Rochester 50:22
It is, and I think he’s making this shift of, you know, we feel so awkward about oh, I can’t, I can’t not okay, you know, I can’t sell myself, but, but neither you or I are a, you know, selling ourselves there’s a mission that, that we have, there’s a calling that we want to answer. But nobody can be served if we don’t tell them that we are here serving.
Hayley Quinn 50:52
So I’m so glad that you are out there and, and you have those things that people can access, because I just think what you’re offering is fantastic. And like I say, you know, as helping professionals, we’re not immune to life challenges. I’m sure there’s many people who tune in that will be navigating this or have navigated this or unfortunately may have to navigate this in the future. So thank you for the work you do. Just to end if you were only able to give one piece of advice, and I know that’s kind of hard to distil things down to one thing. What would you most want our listeners to take away from our conversation today?
Tiffany Rochester 51:31
Don’t do this alone. There is plenty of resourcing out there. Don’t do this alone. It takes a village for everything in life so connecting with yours.
Hayley Quinn 51:50
Yeah, I think that’s a good point. So often people like what support do my children need? What support do my children need? It’s like well ask yourself as well, again, slow down, tune in and ask yourself What support do I need as well? Tiff it’s been an absolute pleasure chatting with you. I have no doubt that people will get a lot from this episode. Thank you so much for being here with me. It’s really been fun.
Tiffany Rochester 52:16
Hayley, thank you. It’s been such a privilege. My heart is so full at getting time to just speak to my passion and then to be able to spend time with you particularly to have this conversation. I’ve been looking forward to this so much, and it’s been a complete delight. Thank you. Thank you for having me on here.
Hayley Quinn 52:34
Thanks so much. Take care.
Hayley Quinn
Thank you for sharing this time with me today, I hope your time here was helpful and supportive. If there has been something in this episode that you have found helpful, I invite you to share it with another person you think might benefit. I’d also love it if you would like to leave a review wherever you tune in. Reviews really help to increase awareness of podcasts, meaning I can spread helpful information more widely. All reviews are welcome and much appreciated as I know they take time out of your day. If you’d like to be notified when the next episode airs, please use the link in the show notes to join my mailing list. Music and editing by Nyssa Ray, thanks Nyssa. I wish you all well in your relationship with Your Self and may you go well and go gently.
Episode Links
Co-Parenting Companion Home Page
“Helps separated parents co-parent effectively, in alignment with their chosen parenting values, so they can co-parent with relaxed confidence, focused on enjoying their children and building their new life.”
Co-Parenting from the Inside Out: Two Day Intensive Reset
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