Episode #9 Building a Compassionate Practice with Bonus Meditation
Hi, this is Welcome to Self ™ Caring for the Human in the Therapist Chair, and I’m your host, Dr. Hayley D Quinn, fellow human, clinical psychologist, supervisor and trainer. Welcome to Self ™ is a place where you can come and learn ways to elevate your own care and compassion. A place to rest, be soothed, and at times maybe gently challenged to think about yourself and your practice. A place to remember that you are human first, choose the helping profession is just one of the roles in your life. My aim is that this is a place of soothing, comfort, nourishment, growth and nurture. A place where you can also welcome your self.
Hi and welcome to another episode. I really hope you’ve been enjoying the podcast so far and if there’s episodes you haven’t tuned into yet, I highly recommend you do. I’ve been getting some great feedback which is always so appreciated. I’d like to take a moment to thank an anonymous reviewer for their feedback. They said “Wonderful podcasts. They are so informative and supportive. I love your playfulness and sense of humour. Just what we need!”. Thank you so much for that lovely feedback, it really does mean a lot.
Recently I came across a post in one the FB groups I’m in, it was a poem written by a new Psychologist, Aimee Oliveri. I reached out to Aimee to ask if I could share her poem on Welcome to Self™ because I believe it will resonate with so many of you and hopefully give you a reminder that you’re not alone in the struggles you may be currently feeling as a helping professional.
Aimee started working two weeks before the 2020 lock downs started happening. She works with rural and remote families across Australia at an NGO and also does some adult private practice work. She told me the hardest part of COVID-19 for her has been switching off and I’m sure many people can relate to this. She, like many of us, never imagined she’d be working alone in her apartment, listening to such heartbreaking stories.
She wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago as a way of processing things. Her hope is that this poem will resonate with others who are feeling the same way. I’m sure it will and I’m very grateful to Aimee for giving permission for this to be shared here and I hope I do her words justice. It’s called
The Invisible Front Line
I turn on my computer, feeling kind of numb.
Trying to push through this, hoping I don’t succumb.
They call me a helper, but I cannot help with this.
Covid has got me stumped, feeling kind of useless.
Everyone is suffering, no one has been spared.
I share this crisis with you, but I’m supposed to be prepared.
You ask me for advice, your eyes pleading with expectation.
I feel so lost, I feel your desperation.
Your situation is worse, as if it wasn’t bad already.
You’re holding on by a thread, and my shoulders are feeling heavy.
They didn’t teach us this at uni, they taught us mental separation.
But how do you separate, when your home is where you see your patients?
I’m trying to adapt, to help you navigate.
But every time we solve a problem, they give us a new update.
I’m feeling overwhelmed, and yet I’ll keep pushing on.
Because you’re depending on me, because I must be strong.
I’ll offer you words of comfort, I’ll sit with you in your distress.
I’ll focus on what I can do, I’ll give you my very best.
I turn on my computer, feeling kind of numb.
Trying to push through this, hoping I don’t succumb.
Wow, such a powerful, and poignant poem. I think it speaks to some of the narrative we hold as helping professionals that we have to always be strong, be caring and have the answers. We can’t always be those things and that’s ok. It’s so important we take care of ourselves. So, let’s think about how we can build a practice of self-care and self-compassion.
There are many aspects to building a robust practice and I’m not going to attempt an exhaustive list, more a conversation starter of the types of things we can look at for ourselves.
Engaging in self-reflection and self-enquiry is an important aspect of our self-care.
Taking the time to slow down, tune in and listen to our wise self can be so helpful in recognising what we need. Stopping to ask ourselves “What do I need in this moment, what would be helpful for me?”
We can have fleeting thoughts of what we need but if we don’t slow down and listen, we can’t attend to those needs. Sometimes we can slow down and hear what we need but we can’t respond to it. Fears, blocks and resistances or FBRs as we call them in CFT show up for us, making action difficult. Starting to understand what our own FBRs are can be really helpful. Once we are aware of them, we can start to think about what would be helpful to work through them, either by ourselves or with a trusted friend, colleague, supervisor or therapist.
The biggest thing for me has been changing the relationship I have with myself, really getting to know myself. Understanding what I like, what I don’t like, what I find helpful and what I find unhelpful or harmful. It has been a practice of asking myself questions as I would if I met someone new and wanted to get to know them better. Asking myself questions and then listening, listening to the answers and learning to respond in the best way I can.
Of course, I don’t always do this well, I still have times when I forget about me in the process of something else, and I know I can come back to myself and check back in anytime. I’m a work in progress and no doubt always will be. We all are.
Another regular check in I have with myself is thinking about who I’m saying No to. Learning to say No to others means we can say Yes to ourselves more often. I have often had conversations with people about the fact that it’s not that they’re not good at saying no, they’re just saying no to the wrong person. Often when I speak to supervisees, clients, friends or family they’ve spent years saying no to themselves from a motivation of fear. Fear of judgment from others, fear of rejection from others. A desire to please the people around them in order to be liked.
Does this sound familiar? It’s quite understandable, we are social beings and have a biological need to belong. The fear of rejection can feel extremely dangerous. You might have heard the saying A lone monkey is a dead monkey. This stuff is built into our DNA. So go easy on yourself if you get caught up in people pleasing. Recognising it is a great first step towards changing it.
So some of the times when you’re saying yes to someone else you have to say no to yourself about something. I’m not saying that happens all the time, sometimes a yes to somebody else would also be a yes to yourself. For example, if somebody asked you to present a training, and it’s something you enjoy and perhaps they’re paying you for your time; or you’re invited to attend a meeting that could be mutually beneficial, at a time when you don’t have any other plans, then saying yes to them is also saying yes to yourself. But a lot of the time we can find ourselves in situations that are quite different. For example, if someone asks if you could see them at 5 o’clock and you normally finish work at 5, you might want to think about what else you might have planned for that time. You may have plans to attend a personal appointment, or go to an event, you may have planned a date with your partner, or you might just like going home at 5 o’clock. On these occasions, saying yes to that person would mean saying no to you and the thing that is important to you. Still many people choose the person asking, over the plans they have made, they change their own plans and inconvenience themselves, so they can meet the needs of the other. This can lead to built up resentment, impact relationships outside of work and reinforce your belief that you are there for the service of others and your needs are secondary.
Another important aspect of self-care is rest and taking time for ourselves. Recognising when we need time out and offering that to ourselves. If you haven’t already, check out episode 3 on Rest. I think rest is extremely under-rated and I’d love it to become much more widely spoken about and embraced as something fundamental to our well-being.
Something I’ve termed for myself is Pyjamas on Purpose Days. This is what I name the days where I choose to focus on rest and restoration, nurture and nourishment.
I choose to spend the day in my pyjamas and do very little of anything except what I enjoy, nothing strenuous or that takes a lot of my energy. I eat the foods I like, I often snuggle up in a blanket (unless it’s a Queensland summer of course!) and read a book or watch a favourite show or movie.
Pyjamas on Purpose days are different to days where I might be feeling unmotivated and struggle to get out of bed and engage in my day in a meaningful or purposeful way. Yeah, I have those days too!
They are not I can’t get out of my pyjamas days, they are gifts to myself to remind me that resting is an important and necessary part of my overall well-being. They are intentional days of rest and enjoyment. They are designed to allow me to stay home and do whatever it is I want, to remind me that choosing to focus on myself and my own well-being is totally ok. Pyjamas on Purpose days are really lovely. I highly recommend you try one for yourself.
We can also add in more structured compassion practices, such as a compassionate imagery like safe place imagery or imagining a compassionate other. We can commit to engaging in periods of mindfulness or meditation each day or a few times a week, whether these are guided or self directed.
Stick around to the end and I’ll be taking you through a guided meditation.
Try to get into the habit of slowing down, checking in, noticing your body posture, noticing the impact your posture has on your breath and remember your breath impacts your nervous system and your nervous system impacts your mind and so it goes.
These small moments of slowing down, checking in and responding to what you need all add up and over time can make a huge difference to how you feel and how you choose to live your life. Don’t dismiss yourself. Be mindful throughout the day. Perhaps think, Yes I have to do this other thing I need to get done but I’m going to think about myself and do this small thing for me first.
It might just be a few short breaths, maybe some compassionate self talk, maybe taking a favourite cup of tea into the meeting, maybe booking an appt for a massage for when you’re finished, maybe looking at a photo of a loved one or a favourite place to activate your soothing system.
They don’t have to be big things, it can be as simple as 5 slow breaths and reminding yourself you are doing the best you can in this moment. Remember that at any point you can ask yourself “What is it I need right now in this moment?” For me it’s a sip of my warm tea to help my throat as I record this podcast. Aaah that’s good.
Another thing to think about is boundaries, the boundaries you have in regard to your business, your relationships and yourself. Having good boundaries is an act of self-care.
It doesn’t sound very exciting or sexy but structuring your business in a way that is sustainable and suits how you want to work is also a way of taking care of yourself. Having “policies” to refer back to can take the pressure off you having to come up with decisions on the spot. Often, we draw up policies from our wiser, calmer self and this can be something we can lean into. Remember too that different work practices suit at different stages of life, and whether you are full time or part time. Don’t get caught up in looking for the “right” way, look for the way that is right for you.
Connection is so important. Connect with others, including other practitioners, we are biological designed to connect, we are social beings and we don’t need to travel this life alone. If things are feeling tricky at work, speak to a colleague or supervisor if this feels safe to do so and if it doesn’t, I am so sorry that you do not have the supportive workplace or supervisor that you deserve. If you are struggling in your personal life, don’t be afraid to let your colleagues or supervisor know (again if it feels safe to do so). Our personal lives impact our work lives and vice versa. Seek your own personal therapy if that is what you need. Suffering is not unique to non-helping professionals! We are all human first regardless of what we do for work.
Use your imagination to hold supportive, caring people in mind when you cannot be with them and remind yourself that there are other people holding you in mind too. And practice gratitude, remember you have a built-in negativity bias, which is not your fault. It is, however, important to counteract this at times and having a gratitude practice can be really helpful with this.
Celebrate yourself at the different stages throughout your training, your career, your life. Celebrate your wins both personal and professional and also acknowledge the disappointment and grief and loss when you miss out on things, when things don’t turn out as you may have liked. Really allow yourself time to reflect on what you have done and congratulate yourself as you would celebrate someone you care about.
Laugh fully and regularly, never underestimate the power of a good laugh. If you’ve been listening to other episodes of the podcast, you’ll know that I like to laugh!! And if you come along to any of my online group sessions, you’ll soon realise that laughter is a beautiful part of our connection.
Finally, don’t forget there are three flows of compassion. As helping professionals we are very good at letting compassion flow outward to others, but how easily do you let compassion from others in or offer compassion to yourself? As Jack Kornfield says “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete”.
Now as I promised let me take you through a guided meditation. If you’re driving you might want to come back to this later or at minimum, please don’t close your eyes!
I invite you to sit comfortably where you are. Preferably with an upright position. You might want to roll your shoulders up and back. Slight concave in your back, a nice open diaphragm. And if you feel comfortable just closing your eyes or gently resting your gaze in front of you. Please only engage in this practice to the level you feel comfortable and know that you can open your eyes and come out of the practice at any time.
Just notice the sounds around you. Noticing the sound, the furthest away. And then see if you can notice a sound even further away. Now gently bring your attention to the sound closest to you. Take a moment to notice how it feels to be you sitting where you are, gently guiding your mind to the points of contact between you and where you’re sitting. And just noticing where these points of contact end, and there’s space between you and where you’re sitting.
Notice the sensation of your feet on the floor. Imagine for a moment you have a pencil drawing the outline of your feet. Now I invite you to gently bring your attention to your breath. Noticing the in breath and the out breath. Noticing the rise and fall of your belly and your chest as you breathe in and breathe out. Bring your attention to the depth and the rhythm of your breath. As you breathe in, breathing deep into your belly, noticing the expansion of your belly. And as you breathe out, emptying your lungs as best you can. Aiming for a slow soothing rhythm of equal in and out breaths, just knowing that when you’re breathing in you’re breathing in. And when you’re breathing out you’re breathing out.
Allow your attention to move towards any thoughts or feelings or physical sensations that you may be experiencing and as best you can just bring an air of curiosity and non judgement to whatever that might be. Maybe just reminding yourself that thoughts are thoughts, feelings are feelings, physical sensations are physical sensations.
You don’t need to do anything to change them, just notice. As you do this you may notice that your mind wants to wander off and at this point you have a choice. You can follow your mind wherever it wants to go. Or you can choose to gently bring your attention back to your breath and just notice your breath.
If you need to slow down your breath just slow it down and as your breath slows, just notice what happens to your mind and your body.
Do they also slow and feel at ease? Do you notice any resistance? Again, just being curious and non judgmental, engaging in a slow, smooth rhythmic breath as best you can.
And taking a moment to ask yourself, what is something that would be helpful for me today?
How can I best take care of myself?
Notice anything that shows up when you ask yourself this question. Any blocks or resistances to taking care of yourself. And if this happens just reminding yourself that sometimes taking care of ourselves is tricky, it can feel hard, it can feel like so many other things are more important. Maybe that you don’t have the time or the resources. You can always go back to yourself and ask, well what is the tiniest thing I could do? The smallest step in service of my own well being.
Just noticing your breath and knowing that when you’re breathing in you’re breathing in. And when you’re breathing out you’re breathing out.
I invite you again to bring your attention to how it feels to be sitting where you are, noticing the points of contact between you and where you’re sitting. The sensation of sitting on the chair.
Again, noticing the sounds around you. On your next in breath, imagine you are breathing in love and self compassion and on your next out breath imagine you are breathing out love and compassion for others. Compassion flowing in. Compassion flowing out.
Gently bring some movement into your fingers and toes and as you feel ready you can open your eyes and bring your attention back to where you are and give your body a little stretch or whatever it is, it might be asking you for.
Remember go well and go gently with yourself and I wish you all the best in building your compassionate practice.
I’d like to once again thank Aimee for allowing me to share her brilliant poetry.
See you next time.
Thank you for sharing this time with me today. I hope your time here was helpful and supportive. If there has been something in this episode that you have found helpful, I invite you to share it with another person you think might benefit. I’d also love it if you’d like to leave a review wherever you tune in. Reviews really helped to increase awareness of podcasts, meaning I can spread helpful information more widely. All reviews are welcome and much appreciated. As I know they take time out of your day. If you’d like to be notified when the next episode airs, please use the link in the show notes to join my mailing list. Music and editing by Nyssa Ray. Thanks Nyssa. I wish you all well in your relationship with yourself. And may you go well and go gently.
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