Could there be wisdom in depression?

Depression can lie to you, can tell you you’re a burden, tell you that people don’t really care, tell you that everyone is too busy with their own lives to be bothered with how you’re feeling. Why would it do that? Because it wants you to stay and keep it company.

Depression doesn’t want you out there living a full life, it wants you in the darkness and alone, because you’ll listen more closely to what depression wants to say to you. You’ll hear the lies more clearly and you won’t have other information to counteract the lies. If depression can keep you from the people that love and care about you, then those people won’t be able to remind you how loved you are and how capable you are and how worthy you are just by being you. If depression can stop you from hearing those positive things, then it can convince you more easily that you are worthless and hopeless and helpless.

Depression is like a vampire; it hates the daylight. Depression wants you in the dark where you can sit quietly with depression and depression’s friends, shame and self criticism. Depression hates you getting up and moving, because if you’re sitting on the couch or staying in bed, it can remind you how lazy you are and you’re more likely to believe it.

Depression can feel like walking through mud, thick mud that comes up to your waist. It can feel like wading through the mud whilst carrying a heavy blanket over your head and shoulders. It can feel like such a heavy weight and that can be exhausting. At times it can feel impossible.

Depression snatches away your joy, satisfaction, happiness and motivation, and hides them away in a locked cupboard in a room inside yourself that you just can’t seem to find.

Depression can move you towards behaviours that will keep you tied to depression such as isolating yourself, sleeping a lot, drinking too much, using drugs, eating easy to grab foods that likely hold little nutrition, or maybe you won’t be eating at all. When you grab those foods, it’ll whisper to you “at least you’re eating” and then self criticism will join in and remind you how lazy you are, how disgusting you are.

Depression doesn’t discriminate, it cares not what you look like, how many friends you do or don’t have, how much money you have, where you live, what you do for work, even if you’re a mental health professional, the colour of your skin, the size of your body, if you are loved by others, what your life looks like and how much you might have to be grateful for. Depression settles wherever it damn well pleases.

I also know that depression is manageable, and I know it can feel really hard to manage it. I know that motivation is not what you need to start to pull yourself out of depression. What you need is willingness. You don’t feel motivated, and that’s ok, that’s a normal part of feeling depressed. If you can recognise that, then you can stop waiting to feel motivated before you do something in service of moving out of the dark cloud of depression. You can anchor into willingness. You can feel depressed, you can have the feeling of not wanting to do anything at all, and you can be willing to do something, no matter how small in the direction of your own well-being.

The alcohol, the drugs, the food, whatever you use to try and feel better, all help you avoid the sadness, the pain, the suffering. Maybe the sadness, pain and suffering have something to say? Maybe there is wisdom in depression? What would it be like to put down the beer bottle, the chocolate, whatever it is you’re using, and see what sadness has to say, see what the pain reveals to you, see what your suffering wants you to know? What is the wisdom that lays beneath? Can you slow down and listen carefully to what shows up? Can you slow your breath and feel more grounded, even for a few moments to hear what the wisdom is trying to tell you?

Maybe depression keeps you in the dark, so you’ll listen, because it has something important to say to you. Something you really can’t hear when you are racing about in your life. Just maybe, depression is the vehicle that is here to slow you down, so you can visit places inside yourself that you have never been to before. I know it can seem scary to be with the feelings that show up, especially if you’ve never been taught how to do that. Or you carry a story about needing to be strong and believe that getting caught up in your feelings is weak, or that you “shouldn’t” get depressed, you “should” somehow “know” better, especially if you’re a mental health professional. Feeling this way can bring a lot of shame for people working in the helping professions.

So, what can you do about it? Maybe you can ask yourself, what is one thing (no matter how small) I can do right now in service of moving out of this dark cloud of depression. Maybe you could treat yourself the way you would treat a loved one or dear friend. Maybe you could remind yourself that you are a human being and did not choose to feel this way. Maybe you can turn to someone in your life, someone you trust, and ask them to be with you in this moment. I know this can be difficult and feel uncomfortable. Can you be with that discomfort to receive the comfort that you need and deserve? Maybe you can hold on to the hope that this will pass, and you will see the light again, both outside and inside of yourself.

Maybe you can just read these words and know that your depression, the shame, and self criticism isn’t the whole story, and there is so much more to who you are than how you are feeling right now.

You matter, you are worthy, you are loved.

If you are feeling depressed, please do your best to reach out to a trusted friend or family member, seek out professional help from your GP or a Psychologist, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 (also online chat and video chat) or a crisis number in your country, or if you think you are at risk of harming yourself, please go to your nearest hospital emergency department. Help is available.

May you go well and go gently with yourself.

Dr Hayley D Quinn
Clinical Psychologist/Supervisor/Trainer