What I noticed when I made it all about me and how my compassionate self supported me through

What happened when I decided to have some professional photos taken?

A local photographer, Mel Watt Photography was doing a promotion for International Women’s Day. I reached out to Mel and booked in a session.

My main motivation at the time was to support another woman in business, something that is high on my list of priorities.

I thought it would be a good opportunity to do this and get some new photographs done for my business and social media accounts.

When the information came through about my upcoming session, I realised that perhaps these were not your standard head shot/branding photos I had been thinking about.

What was being offered was an “Empowering Women” shoot. A shoot with no makeup, a come as you are because you are enough kind of shoot.

“That’s OK” I thought, “Should be fun” I thought ….. and then that voice showed up. You know the one, that self critical voice. “OMG What are you thinking”, “Why would you want photos like that” “Seriously!”

Very quickly, I was able to notice this spiral of thinking and did what I know to be helpful at these times.

I slowed down my breath, connected with my compassionate self and spoke to myself in a calm, soft tone, reminding myself that vulnerability is uncomfortable, vulnerability takes courage and that I am brave.

As I looked through the photos that had been taken of other women, I was taken by how beautiful they all were, how vulnerable and powerful and vibrant and I just loved the beautiful creativity of Mel’s work.

I knew I wanted to proceed with the photo shoot and allowed myself to look forward to it. I even allowed myself to think about how creative and brave I might like to be during my shoot.

Everything was booked in for the next week or so…. and then we found ourselves navigating life during a global pandemic! Remember that? How am I kidding, we’re not forgetting that in hurry!

Well, that put a temporary stop to my photo shoot. I have to say, there was a part of me that felt relief! as well as a part of me that recognised the disappointment.

I am fortunate to live in Queensland and we were able to reopen businesses and get back to some kind of “business as usual” fairly quickly.

With that came the rebooking of my photo shoot. My mind was busy with quite a few other things at this stage, so I didn’t give much thought to the upcoming shoot.

As the time got closer, I started to notice my tricky mind again. Subtle thoughts about maybe cancelling to a time I wasn’t so busy, downplaying the importance of what it was and reminding myself I didn’t need to buy any of the photos anyway.

I allowed myself to be curious about the thoughts that were arising without getting to invested in them.

The night before the shoot, I realised that I had been avoiding preparing for it and as such now had to make some fast decisions about what clothes I was going to wear on the day. 3 outfit changes I’d been told, so of course I just grabbed a handful of things out of my wardrobe and figured I could decide when I got there.

The morning of the shoot came, and so did the self critical thoughts.

It was as if someone had put a magnifying glass to my eye and I was seeing every inch of my face and body through this lens.

Of course I wasn’t focusing on any parts of myself I liked. Oh no, that’s not what the self critic does. I was zooming in on everything I could see as a flaw. Every part of me that was too big, or too small, or the wrong shape or not as all the messages in the world about women told me I should be. Uurghh. Thoughts again showed up of “why bother” and I thought about cancelling my appointment with Mel.

Then I heard her, softly, gently. “It’s ok darling, I know this is hard, I know it feels uncomfortable and I know you are brave. I know you want to be accepting of the whole of you”.

Hearing this inner compassionate voice brought me the comfort and the strength that I needed in that moment.

Having a compassionate self does not mean you don’t have anxieties or self doubts or feel bad about yourself sometimes.

What is does mean though is you can connect to that part of yourself when things feel tough and be by your own side walking yourself towards what matters to you, walking yourself into a full and meaningful life.

So off I went to my appointment with Mel.

As Mel helped me from my car through her garden down to her studio, I was reminded of how important nature is to me.

I noticed a slowing of my breath as I descended the stairs amongst the lush greenery. I had some fleeting thoughts about what it would be like today and these were answered as Mel clearly explained everything that would happen and made me feel very welcome and at ease.

I even noticed a sense of excitement building which I allowed myself to welcome in. I let Mel know that I had arrived ready to engage and be brave. I think this was to have a level of accountability, to stop myself backing away from discomfort.

Accountability can be so helpful can’t it!

During the shoot, some old memories popped into my head, not pleasant memories. I think when we are in a position when we are feeling vulnerable, such as sitting posing with someone holding a camera close in front of you! Yeah, that’ll do it!! our mind can take the opportunity to bring up challenging memories, it’s like the mind knows we are less resilient in that moment.

It would have been very easy for me to get lost in those memories and disconnect from the experience I was having. I really didn’t want to do that, so instead I brought to mind my husband and what he would think if he saw me sitting here. I chose my husband because of how lovingly he looks at me. I know he is someone that accepts me for who am I. He is one of my compassionate others.

The thought made me smile and I immediately felt a sense of soothing, a sense of calm and safeness.

Whilst our minds can be tricky, we can also harness the power of our imagination and use that to help soothe us when we need to.

You see, my mind didn’t know whether my husband was there with me or not, my mind just believed he was because that is what I told my mind to believe. Cool trick!

I had chosen to do some creative shots with not much more than a long piece of chiffon. At first, I felt quite anxious, I don’t usually make a habit of standing and dancing around in front of someone I only met not much more than an hour ago, dressed in my knickers and a piece of material!! Lol!!

Mel was fantastic, she had me feeling at ease in no time. It was during these shots that I really started to feel free. I allowed myself to relax into the process and have some fun.

Although regularly posing like this is not for me, it is hard work and tiring and I think my beautiful aging body needs care and nurture and to be treated kindly.

Mel asked me how I was going and I replied “I’m good, and I certainly don’t want to be a model”. As soon as these words left my lips, my self critic couldn’t resist, “Well that’s good because you couldn’t be one anyway”.

By this point I was able to just notice the words of criticism and recognise that my self critic was just trying to protect me.

You see I’ve always carried around a belief that I shouldn’t be too confident, I shouldn’t get too big for my boots, I should stay small and not allow myself to be noticed too much.

This is a belief that I now live with without allowing it to continue to direct my choices.

At the end of the shoot, Mel again explained everything clearly and I booked my appointment to go back and view my photos. I noticed a reappearance of anxiety at this time and noticed that this quickly dissipated as I looked forward to seeing Mel’s work.

As I drove away, I reflected on the experience, and I noticed a sense of vulnerability along with some tears.

At first, I felt confused, I allowed myself to stay with the feeling and slow down my breath. What I realised was I had just been through an experience that was on one level exposing and brought up feelings of vulnerability and on another level was an experience where I felt like I had been seen and accepted exactly how I am and for who I am.

Throughout the process I felt admired, delighted in and supported by Mel.

What a beautiful empowering experience.

I am enough, I have always been enough, I just didn’t always believe that.

It’s only through working on my relationship with myself over the past few years that I have come to know that as a truth.

I am so pleased that I went through with the photo shoot, and I am excited to see what Mel has captured.

A few days after the shoot, Mel sent me a sneak peek photo. When I opened the email I was surprised at the strength of my reaction. I felt confused and disappointed.

The photo in itself was beautiful and yet there was something not right with how I saw myself. I kept reflecting on it and each time returned to it not feeling like me.

I sent it to two people whose opinion I trust. The first, a person who knows me but not long term. She saw a photo that screamed W-O-M-A-N in her power, she described it as iconic, sensual, embodied and down to the essentials, raw. I looked at the photo again reflecting on her words and still something didn’t feel right for me. I saw me as closed off and unapproachable.

The second person I sent it to was a dear friend who has known me for many years and seen me through the highs and lows of my life. She too reflected that she saw a strong and powerful woman and recognised that the warmth and compassion she knows me to have were not showing through in the photo.

It felt good hearing her feedback as I think that was what I was feeling when I saw it.

I noticed that I was starting to feel anxious about my viewing, what if I didn’t like the photos? How would I tell Mel that I didn’t want to buy them?

I allowed myself to sit with this feeling and reminded myself that this was just one photo chosen by someone who had only known me for a matter of hours, and it was a beautiful photo of a strong woman.

On the day of my viewing, I felt more relaxed and noticed that the anxiety I had previously felt was far less. I arrived at Mel’s and again she met me at the gate and walked me down to her viewing room. I once again felt very welcomed, she kindly made me a cup of tea and turned the heating on to accommodate my dislike of the cold. I settled myself into the sofa and then it began, the viewing of my photos.

It was a strange feeling sitting there looking at so many photos of myself. Some I found quite confronting, seeing my body quite exposed.

My body started to feel tense, and my breath took on a new pattern, shallower. I was aware that I had started to focus in on parts of my body that I didn’t like.

Then I noticed that soft and nurturing inner voice, reminding me to step back and see the photographs for the whole of what they were, reminding me to look at them with loving eyes. I immediately felt myself relax and my breath felt softer, deeper, smoother.

I was now able to look at the photos in a much different way. I could see the beautiful composition of the shots, the soft light that entered from the window, the textures and shades that were present.

I was able to choose photos that represented who I am as a woman, photos that showed qualities that I embrace in my life, as well as a couple of photos that allowed me to see myself as a woman who has lived, experienced and aged and still shines brightly.

It changed from me struggling to choose photos I wanted to buy to struggling to choose the ones I would send to the No folder. I settled on 12 photos and noticed a smile settling on my face when I had made the final decision.

This was an experience that at times felt uncomfortable and also allowed me to get to know myself even more, grow as a person and embrace who I am.

Sometimes things are difficult and still worth doing.

Go well and go gently with yourself

and remember

When you thrive your business can too!

Dr Hayley D Quinn
The Anti-Burnout Business Coach