Episode #17 Showing up for Yourself – It’s Not Always Easy
Hi, this is Welcome to Self ™ Caring for the Human in the Therapist Chair, and I’m your host, Dr. Hayley D Quinn, fellow human, clinical psychologist, supervisor and trainer. Welcome to Self ™ is a place where you can come and learn ways to elevate your own care and compassion. A place to rest, be soothed, and at times maybe gently challenged to think about yourself and your practice. A place to remember that you are human first, choose the helping profession is just one of the roles in your life. My aim is that this is a place of soothing, comfort, nourishment, growth and nurture. A place where you can also welcome your self.
Hi and welcome to another episode, thanks for joining me. I can’t believe we’re nearly half way through Season Two. I’d like to thank Belinda Jade for leaving a lovely comment. She said
“Amazing content and your voice is so beautiful and calming”.
Thank you Belinda for taking the time to comment, and I’m so glad you find it helpful and calming.
“The quieter you become, the more you can hear” – Buddha
I love that quote. I’ve learned over the years that the more I slow down my body and my breath, the more I can tune out the external and internal noise, and the more I can access my own wisdom. Gosh, I wish I had learned it a lot sooner and I’m grateful that I now have.
Showing up for yourself is not always so easy. Showing up for yourself can be really hard. Particularly as helping professionals we can find it easier to be there for others, than for ourselves. Choosing to prioritise our own needs and well-being can bring up a lot of internal discomfort. So, let’s start with a quick reflection of what this is like for you.
Just take a moment and think about your biggest struggle with showing up for yourself? What shows up when you think about taking care of yourself? And remember to breathe as you’re thinking about this. It’s so easy to end up holding our breath when we go close to things that can be challenging for us.
There’s a difference between knowing something and acting on it in a helpful way. You most likely know that taking care of yourself is a good idea. I’m sure you could come up with a whole list of things that would be helpful to do in service of your own well-being. You may have already read books and attended trainings that provide you with information on what you could do and why. So why then do you find it so hard to do those things? I mean they’re going to help you right!? Well, one of the reasons is that you are a human with a tricky brain. If behaviour change was easy, we would all just be getting on with it wouldn’t we!? If recognising our own need for care and having the belief that we deserve it was our default, we would all be Masters in self-care. Unfortunately, the reality isn’t that simple.
We are humans with tricky brains and our tricky brains, whilst they can be brilliant, can also be rather problematic. Some of the problems our tricky brains can create for us are rumination, judgment of self, fear of judgment from others, and creating endless possibilities of why something is doomed or dangerous. As humans we have a fundamental, biologically driven need for belonging and focusing on ourselves signals that we are not focused on the other and this can signal danger. You might have heard the saying “A lone monkey is a dead monkey”, we are designed to be a part of the group, our ancestors’ survival depended on it. We have a highly attuned threat system, and for some people more than others, based on your own history and experiences, this is set on high alert. If you are focusing on your own needs, you might notice an inner voice telling you “Don’t be selfish”, “What about the children?”, “My clients need me to be available”. These are all ways the tricky brain helps you to focus back on the group and not risk your place amongst it. This is just the threat system doing what it is designed to do to keep you safe. The problem is you don’t live in the times of your ancestors and being with your group most of the time to avoid danger isn’t necessary like it was back then.
It’s ok to take time out, in fact, it’s important for our nervous systems. We now live in a world that we were not designed to live in. We weren’t designed for constant stimuli, constant connection, or the fast pace that our world now moves at. Life has changed so much, and we don’t have access to the incidental ways of being with ourselves that we did previously.
We need to be more intentional about our self-care. Our self-care needs to be an ongoing daily process, our needs may be different in the morning than the afternoon, different in different contexts, in different places, when we’re with different people and when we’re by ourselves. There is no one size fits all with this. We need to tailor our self-care to suit our own individual needs on an ongoing basis. We can develop a plan and we also need flexibility for when circumstances require different for us and from us.
When we think about showing up for ourselves, we can think about it in terms of a Think, Feel, Do process. We can Think about what is happening and what we need in a particular situation, we can check in with how we Feel about, not only the situation but also what shows up for us in relation to the situation, and then we can Do what we think would be most helpful given what we know, what we feel and what we are capable of at the time. Notice how I say, “what we are capable of at the time”, I add this because our tricky brains are very good at switching to self-critic mode and giving us a hard time for things that aren’t necessarily within our control. Remember we can only ever do the best that we can under the circumstances we are in, with the knowledge and skills that we have. It is also really easy to fall into a “should do” pattern without slowing down and considering what impact it has on us and others if we keep on doing all the time. When we come from a self- perspective, we can assist ourselves to come up with more workable solutions and practices.
Some key words I hold in mind for myself are self-reflection, self-awareness, self-compassion, self-care. Let me explain that a bit more.
Self-Reflection – remind yourself to slow down and think about what you need in the particular situation. Have you faced this before? Is it a situation that you need to manage by yourself, or can you ask someone for their support, or delegate a particular task? Is this something that needs your attention right now or can you leave it to a time that suits you better?
Self-Awareness – How do you feel about this situation? What feelings does it bring up? Have you had similar feelings before? Are these feelings linked to the current situation, or are they triggered by memories of something past? Bring to mind your values and what is meaningful to you. How do your values fit with this situation?
Self-Compassion – How would you treat a loved one or friend in this situation? What would be a kind response? Think about the ways you speak to the people in your life that you love and care about. How do you respond to their suffering? What do you want for them in that moment? What do you do to try and alleviate their suffering? Can you offer yourself this same care, kindness and compassion?
Self-Care – What action do you want to take in this situation? What is a small step towards the outcome you are wanting? How can this be done in a way that honours your own well-being?
Working through situations like this might take you more time initially, but over time it’s likely to save you time and help prevent you from making threat-based choices that might steer you away from what is really important and meaningful to you in the way you work and live.
I’d now like to invite you to engage in a short, guided meditation, so if you’re willing, take a moment to slow down your breath and gently close your eyes (unless of course you’re driving).
Imagine you are in a line, look around you, who is there, friends, family, clients? Where are you standing in the line? Just notice.
You are all lining up waiting to be served. Now imagine walking to the front of the line, walking past the other people in the line. Notice what thoughts and feelings show up as you walk to the front.
If you notice thoughts like “don’t push in”, “you shouldn’t be at the front”, “other people need this more than you”, you might like to gently place your hand over your heart and offer yourself the words “I matter too. It’s ok for me to have my needs met. It’s ok for me to have my needs met first”.
Notice what shows up for you as you gently say these words to yourself. Notice the tone of voice you use as you speak to yourself. Notice your breath and if it needs slowing down then slow it down a little and notice how that feels.
Now imagine walking to the server and having your needs met and then step aside and notice how everyone else is also moving forward and having their needs met too. Notice how you having your needs met hasn’t stopped the other people having their needs met.
What does it feel like to recognise your own needs and realise that your needs don’t negatively impact on those other people in the line? Just notice.
Spend a few more moments with your breath, just noticing the in breath and the out breath. Now start to notice the sounds around you, bring your attention to the feel of the air on your skin. As you feel ready you can open your eyes and bring your attention back to the where you are.
Now sometimes having your needs met first is going to impact on someone else and this doesn’t mean that you have to set your needs aside and attend to the other person first. Maybe at times you will but I hope that there’s also times you don’t, and you realise more and more that it’s ok for you to come first. It’s ok to show up for yourself.
I hope this has given you something to think about and to practice. Go well and go gently with yourself and please remember You matter.
Thank you for sharing this time with me today. I hope your time here was helpful and supportive. If there has been something in this episode that you have found helpful, I invite you to share it with another person you think might benefit. I’d also love it if you’d like to leave a review wherever you tune in. Reviews really helped to increase awareness of podcasts, meaning I can spread helpful information more widely. All reviews are welcome and much appreciated. As I know they take time out of your day. If you’d like to be notified when the next episode airs, please use the link in the show notes to join my mailing list. Music and editing by Nyssa Ray. Thanks Nyssa. I wish you all well in your relationship with yourself. And may you go well and go gently.
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Disclaimer
This transcript may not be an exact representation of the audio
